JESSICA: How are the numbers?
MARTIN: Incredible.
(CHUCKLES) Absolutely incredible.
Congratulations.
I'm leaving you.
Did you hear what I said?
I'm leaving you.
Yeah, I heard. Yeah. Yeah.
- I'm not kidding. - I know.
Look, I think it's an excellent decision on your part.
You do?
You're a fantastic person,
and the last year's been great, really.
You're beautiful.
The sex has been wonderful.
You're kind and supportive.
You wait for me with dinner when I work late, you're amazing.
And it's driving me out of my fucking mind!
You know, with numbers like this,
this should be the happiest day of my life,
and instead I have to worry about whether I make you happy all the time!
Jessica, sweetheart,
you make me feel like being a better person.
And I'm not a better person.
I'm me.
I feel sorry for you.
Don't.
I certainly don't.
In fact, I envy myself deeply.
- Morning. - AGENT: Morning.
Good morning, Mr President.
And congratulations.
It's good to have you with us for another four years.
Thank you, Thomas. It's good to be back.
Would you like me to turn on the TV, sir?
Oh, no. That's okay.
STATON: Hey, I'll tell you what.
- How about the paper? - The paper, sir?
Yeah. What the heck?
We'll see what the New York Times has to say about things.
Bet they're eating some crow this morning.
We have a copy anywhere?
We can get one, sir.
All right, get one. And scare up my reading glasses.
I'm going to read the newspaper.
Shall I bring it to the workout room, sir?
No, I'm gonna read my paper right here in bed.
Take it a little easy this morning.
Well, you deserve it, sir.
Yes, I do. It was a heck of a fight.
Yes, sir, a heck of a fight.
The important thing is the good guys won.
(GRUNTING)
Cut!
(GROANS)
(SPITTING)
Cut!
DIRECTOR: This guy is pathetic! He's ruining every shot!
You, come here!
- I'm sorry, sir. - Sorry?
Is that what you're going to say
when you endanger your brothers on the holy mission?
- No. - Just stay out of the shot.
Yes, sir.
My wife's cousin. Otherwise, I send him back home tomorrow!
Okay, everybody, from the top, huh? Let's shoot this puppy!
Come on. Come on.
(ONE PLAYING)
(SINGING) One, pah!
Singular sensation
Every little step she takes
One, pah!
Thrilling combination
Every move that she makes
OMER: One smile and suddenly nobody
else will do
You know you'll never be lonely
With you-know-who
One moment
Oh!
What is this?
Was I being loud?
You could hear it down into the valley.
Hey...
That was rare.
You are lucky it was me who found you,
not one of the others because they would cut your throat!
I'm so sorry. I like show tunes.
I grew up listening to them, my mother had a collection of 50 records.
Your mother was killed by an American bomb.
I know that.
That is why I'm here.
Look, I've got some news for you.
Your papers came through.
You are leaving next week for Frankfurt, and from there to Orange County.
You'll be staying at our mutual cousins'. They know nothing of your purpose there.
You are to just wait until your sleeper cell contacts you.
When will that be?
Never.
I can't. I just can't, I can't, I can't. I can't possibly. I can't do it.
It's too horrible. Please, not another season, please.
I beg you, don't make me do it. Don't make me do it.
- Don't make me do it. - Everyone's ready for you, sir.
Right, terrific. Okay, let's go! Let's rock and roll, yeah?
Good morning. Good morning, everyone. Lovely to see you again.
Or, rather, not see you. Can we have the house lights, please?
Now?
Not next Tuesday. Cheers. Boo!
ALL: Boo!
Here we are again. Here we are, yet again.
Here we are, producing the most popular show on television.
The show to which not only America, but now the whole world is glued. Yay!
Which brings me to the task at hand.
When you're on top, there's only one place to go.
- And where is that? - Down!
Who said that?
"Down" is an incorrect answer.
The answer is "up." Up!
Because if you go down, do you know what happens?
All those people who were buttering you up and smiling at you just moments ago
leap on you and kick you and kick you
and kick you and kick you and kick you until you shut up.
Down is not an option.
So,
let's go out there and get some great contestants.
And I don't just mean talented, I mean human.
And by human, I mean flawed. And by flawed, I mean freaks.
Bring me some freaks.
Let's make this a show that even I would watch.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
- Is it them? Is that them? - Don't run!
(THUDDING)
Wait, wait, wait! Your hair!
- Okay, okay, okay. Stop, Mom. - All right. Go!
Oh, Goddess, please, please, please.
- Sally Kendoo? - Yeah.
We're from American Dreamz.
- I know. - And we're here to tell you...
You've been selected to perform on the show.
(SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Why do you do that? - Do what?
You know what.
Just once I would like to tell when... What are you doing?
Sorry. Screaming.
- Yes! Yes! - Stop! Stop, stop screaming.
- Stop. - ITTLES: Dude.
I'm really sorry. We're gonna have to do this all over again.
You're gonna have to go inside, and come out
and jump for joy all over again,
because we didn't get it on camera.
Okay.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Yes! I got it! I got it!
- She's good. - Yes! Yes!
There's my guy.
Congratulations, Mr President.
You said we'd tear them a new one and we tore them a new one.
Excuse me.
The big guy up there tore them a new one. He smited them.
- Smote. - Smote, smited, whatever.
What's with the papers? New puppy?
- They're newspapers. - I can see that.
- Hi, Mrs P. You look beautiful. - Good morning, Wally.
- So, Mr P, you ready to meet the press? - Not right now.
Mr P, we discussed this.
I mean, it was your idea to meet the press after the big win.
Herald in a new era of openness, what with our overwhelming mandate.
Yeah, I know. It's just that there is a lot of stuff in here.
It... There's a lot of interesting things.
Well, yeah, there is a lot of stuff. They have to fill the pages with something.
But I think "interesting" is stretching it.
Well, for instance, did you know
that there are two kinds of Iraqistanis?
(STAMMERING) I mean, actually,
three kinds of Iraqis.
Do you mean, Sunnis and Shiites and Kurds?
You knew about this?
So did you. You knew this, Mr P.
- Yeah, but... - It's in your weekly digests.
It's not like in this country,
where whites and blacks and Latinos all get along
and there's no prejudicial deal between them. I mean, these people,
they have some long-standing beefs with each other.
MRS. STATON: Look, honey. American Dreamz is coming on again soon.
That's great. Great.
Mr President, we have to get you dressed and prepped.
The press is waiting for you.
You mean, they're all out there waiting for me?
They certainly are.
Well, I just want to sit here and read for a while.
I think I deserve a break. I'm kind of exhausted.
Mr P, we need...
I am not going out there right now, g-damn it!
Move it. Fun in a bucket. Fun in a bucket, everybody.
All right, all right.
Hey, Willie, where's Sally? Get her down here!
- Oh, you know how girls are. - Yeah.
Hey, man. That's some girlfriend you got. When you gonna marry that girl?
We're talking about it, Uncle Fitz.
We're thinking maybe next spring, huh?
All righty. All right!
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- WILLIE: Hey, Sally, it's you-know-who. - Come on in, Willie.
The door's locked, babe.
What are you doing up here, Sally,
when everybody's down there celebrating your triumph?
(CHUCKLING) Great. I'm really excited for them.
And they're really excited for you.
You know, I am, too. I don't think I've ever been prouder in my life.
You know what?
I was pretty excited for myself, too, for like a half hour.
And then it sunk in that this means nothing.
Nothing?
Sally, this is your dream. You've always wanted to be on TV.
No. I've always wanted to be a star.
Isn't that the same thing?
No, Willie, it's not the same thing. Any idiot can be on TV nowadays.
All you have to do is swap your wife or eat a sheep's anus or something.
Yes. Yes, but you are gonna sing.
Yeah. I'm gonna sing.
I'm gonna sing. And I'm not good enough.
I'm not good enough!
- Seven years! - No, you know what I am?
I am the best karaoke singer in this county of Ohio.
I'm going to go all the way out there, right?
And I'm gonna come right back home
and lose in the first round because I'm just... I'm not good enough!
- No way. - Yes.
No way, no way, no way. You're cute.
You got a great voice.
You got personality.
And you got a great voice.
Why, I think you're gonna win the whole damn thing.
And if for some reason those folks have their heads up their stinkholes
and you don't win, for whatever reason,
I'm not gonna love you any less.
I'm gonna love you more because I see your real beauty
and I don't need no TV show to show it to me.
Honey, I got some big news today, too.
I'm being made assistant manager, plumbing fixtures.
Assistant manager.
And you know what happens next.
Manager, plumbing fixtures.
Willie?
I think it's time we broke up.
What?
It's just... I don't think it's working anymore.
- Sure it is. It's going great. - Not really.
No, your life is here.
And my life is...
Or maybe it's...
(IMITATES PLANE CRASHING)
But either way, see, I can't take you with me.
But I love you.
I love you. Damn it, you can't do this to me.
No, listen. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, I can't take it.
You stay up here and cry.
I'm going to go down and greet my fans.
MAN: Sally!
(ALL CHEERING)
Hi, everyone! Now, who'd like to hear a little song?
MAN: Yeah!
(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING) She's a very freaky girl
The kind you don't bring home to mama
She's a super freak Super freak
She's super freaky
(COUGHS)
Wrong!
Do you want this?
Do you?
Well, then get your ass in gear!
- Lqbal, darling. - What?
Your cousin Omer is arriving any minute.
Okay, I'll be up in a moment. I'm doing something here.
No, not in a moment. A moment with you stretches into an hour.
Your cousin has come halfway around the world. Let's show him some hospitality.
You come up right now!
Don't get me upset today, okay? You know I don't like to get upset.
Nazneen!
What a home. It is stupendous.
What, this old place? Nazneen!
Nazneen!
- ALl: There you are. - Aunt Nazneen.
This young man thinks our little home is stupendous.
What, this old shack? Let me see you. Let me see you.
Hey, Omer!
Could this be little Shabnum?
Call me Shazzy. Everyone does.
I'm so excited you're here. It's been, what, 10 years, right?
- Yes. - We're gonna party like rock stars!
Okay.
Oh, Omer. Omer.
I am so, so sorry about your mother.
You know I loved her very, very much.
I told her to leave Baghdad. It's too dangerous.
But she was headstrong.
No, no, Nazneen. This is a happy day. Remember.
Oh, yes, of course, sweetie. Yes, honey.
Hey, lqbal, this is your cousin, Omer!
- Hello. - Hi. Long time no see.
Come on. Come on, everybody. Come on, sweetheart.
- Come on, let's be happy. - Yes.
The President hasn't made a public appearance for the last three weeks.
What about the rumours that he has a mystery ailment?
There is no mystery ailment.
As we all know, the campaign process takes a lot out of a person.
And the President has been enjoying the intervening time to rest and reflect.
Is it true that he left President Putin on hold for 30 minutes
when the Russian president called to congratulate him?
Absolutely not.
The President and Mr Putin had a nice talk.
The President considers him a close friend,
while of course, deeply mistrusting his undemocratic tendencies.
(REPORTERS LAUGHING)
Sir, what about the rumours that the President had a nervous breakdown?
Nervous breakdown?
Look, fellows, I would like to remind everyone that we're still at war here.
The terrorists are looking to exploit any sign of weakness.
And it's not a question of if,
but when they're going to launch a major attack ending life on Earth as we know it.
So let's just try and keep a positive attitude.
Okay, that's it.
(ALL CLAMOURING)
(WHISPERING) Poopie.
Poopie!
Oh, hey, Poopie.
- When did you get up? - Four hours ago.
It's time for you to get dressed.
I picked you out a nice suit.
We both think you need to get up and get out of this bedroom.
- Who's we? - Hi, Mr P.
- Oh, hi, Wally, I didn't hear you come in. - I guess you were distracted.
(STAMMERING) Wally, be careful with that pile. That is the Canadian press.
Canadian press?
What on earth are you doing reading the Canadian press?
Who outside of Canada gives a shit about the Canadian press?
- Wally, language. - They're our neighbours.
Our neighbours?
Sir, you are worrying me, here.
I don't know how long I can cover for this.
Well, there is nothing to cover for.
I'm just... I'm just trying to figure out a few things.
If you wanted more info, sir, why did you cancel the weekly briefings?
Because I'm not sure I'm getting the straight poop from them, that's all.
I mean, Iran and North Korea
are not just like Dr Octopus and Magneto.
You don't like can'toons? Fine, they're gone.
Joe, we're trying to help, here.
- Linda? - Well, we were wondering
maybe you ought to take some of these.
What, your hormone pills?
They're not hormone pills, they're happy pills.
They make you happy when you're sad.
Well, hold on here.
- Are you sad? - No. I'm happy.
But I think you're a little sad, maybe.
I think maybe you ran so hard,
you fought so well for this wonderful victory,
so that you could help your country, and...
You fought so well
for a wonderful victory.
Fought so well for the wonderful victory that you...
Now you have the wind, the wind knocked out of you.
You're wondering, what was the point of it all.
Why you? Why now?
Why did the Lord pick you out of all people?
What are your special qualifications? And did the Lord even pick you?
Or was it just having really, really powerful friends?
Are you saying the Lord didn't pick me?
The Lord did pick you. He picked you.
Of course he picked you, honey.
The thing is, we just can't have a President
who stays in his pyjamas all day.
Come on, sir.
The country needs you.
I like the country.
Well, that's good. Because you're its President.
- Hello, William. - Hi, Mrs Kendoo.
I just came by to say good-bye to Sally.
Well, have you up and joined the Army?
I have, Mrs Kendoo.
I just feel like since Sally dumped me, my life has been meaningless.
So, I'm trying to find meaning by defending my country.
And I just wanted to tell Sally that.
Well, William, that's very sincere of you,
but Sally isn't here.
She's in New York meeting with agents.
- Agents? - They're folks that...
They act greedy and mean for you, so you can seem like a nice person.
But Sally is a nice person.
So I'm not gonna get to see her, then, am I?
I'm afraid not, William.
Well, you just tell her
that wherever I am, I'll be thinking of her.
And I got her face tattooed on my arm.
It's from our prom photo.
Well, it's beautiful work.
Well.
Now I feel like a terrible person.
Oh, you can't help it if that boy wants to go do something foolish like get a tattoo.
I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored,
I'm bored, bored, bored of these contestants.
I want some variety, okay?
I want someone to love, I want someone to pity, I want someone to laugh at.
I want someone to masturbate over. Well, possibly we have that already.
I want... I want an Arab.
I'm part Arab.
No, don't be ridiculous.
No. Mother's Syrian. Dad's Korean.
Good God. All right, then.
Bring me a fellow Arab. And a Jew.
Bring me an Arab and a Jew.
What about an Arab Jew?
Don't be funny.
ASSISTANT: Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt.
Martin, I've got the White House on the phone for you.
- No, love. I don't think you have. - I think I do.
Hello? Martin Tweed.
No commercials.
Don't be ridiculous. We can't do no commercials.
The PR benefit to you will more than make up for it.
With all due respect, we are the number one show on TV.
We are watched by college freshmen, grandmas in retirement homes,
death-row inmates, nuns.
We hit every demo. That is the reason you've come to us.
You need the PR more than we do.
We're talking about the President of the United States, here.
Yeah, a President who hasn't been seen in public for weeks.
There are rumours he's gone bonkers.
He hasn't gone bonkers. Doing great. Feeling good, has a good sense of humour,
tremendous popular appeal. Man of the people.
That's why we want to get him out there in a big way.
I heard you're also booking him on Larry King and Oprah.
- That's correct. - No, that is incorrect.
If he does our show, he cannot do any other show before our show
and he cannot do another show for at least a week afterwards.
But those are talk shows.
The President's old friends with Larry and he loves Oprah.
Don't we all? Still, those are my terms.
No other TV appearances. Two commercial breaks.
- No commercial breaks. - Two.
- One. - One.
One commercial break.
- Okay. - Okay. Great! Great!
(MARTIN WHOOPS)
Looks like the President's gonna be a guest judge on American Dreamz.
- SHAZZY: Hi. - Hello.
Oh, well, now he looks as strange as you two do.
Nonsense. He looks adorable.
He barely let us spend anything on him. All this stuff was on sale.
Thank you so much. This is more than I need.
You see? You two need to learn a lot from this fellow.
Darling, we must get him his own credit card.
Why not?
Hey, Omeriser. Want to see something cool?
Watch out. Super-gay-meister might jump you!
Shut up, hairy she-male! Let's go.
IGBAL: (SINGING) She's a super freak Super freak
She's super freaky
Wow.
Bravo!
Okay. Thank you.
- Thanks. - Oh, the shaking.
Okay, now you're just making fun of me. Stop.
No! No!
No, you are extremely talented, cousin.
Not only as a singer but as a dancer. You have pizzazz, my friend.
Really?
- You really think so? - Yes.
Wow.
How strange to not be met with mockery.
Who mocks you?
Everyone! That's why no one's allowed down here.
Oh, this is a spectacular set-up you have.
You think so?
Gosh! I really wish you would have been here last month!
I taped an audition for American Dreamz.
Had to have Shazzy run the camera. She couldn't stop shaking with laughter.
- So, how do you work the lighting in here? - Oh, I'll show you.
- Hey, how long you been in Iraq? - Fourteen months.
Wow. Fourteen months. You must have seen a lot of stuff.
This is my first day here.
In fact, I just joined the Army two weeks ago.
I had kind of an accelerated basic training.
I was pretty surprised when they said, "Pack your bags, you're going to Iraq."
Honestly, I thought they were joking.
Hey, you got any advice for me?
Don't get shot.
Don't get shot!
Okay. Will do.
(BULLET WHIZZING)
What was that?
(MACHINE GUN FIRING)
I think you just got shot.
My tattoo!
First off, I think you're really talented
and you have a chance to win this whole thing.
A chance? She's going to win it all, mister.
Mom, shut up. Go on, Chet Krogl.
Thank you. I know she's gonna win, Martha. That's why I'm representing her.
But winning American Dreamz isn't just about talent.
You have to have a story.
Now, the whole poor white trash thing is great.
Well, we're not white trash.
No. No, no, no. Of course not, of course not.
But it doesn't hurt to imply that you are.
Look what it's done for Britney Spears.
See, everyone in America thinks they're middle class.
So they like to have someone to look down on.
We are middle class.
Mom, shut your gaping pie hole. Go on, Chet Krogl.
Human interest is what wins these things.
Now, absent father's not bad.
You two are divorced, right?
Well, Daddy lives with another man in Chicago.
Another man.
Maybe? Well, no.
Let's not feature that. That's too much of a wild card.
Now, one thing that is important, Sally, is that you not appear to want it too much.
I'm just singing for the love of singing.
As long as I get to get on that stage
and perform in front of that incredible audience, I'm happy.
Not bad. Not bad.
Now, of course, on the inside, you do need to want it really badly.
Mr Krogl, I'd rather jab my eyes out with toothpicks and eat them
- than lose this thing. - Okay. Awesome!
There's sort of this Hollywood thing, the camera puts on 10 pounds.
- So, you're gonna want to lose 20. - Screw you.
I control my weight swings. No one else.
Having a little extra meat, taking it off, packing it on can make people root for you.
It hasn't hurt Oprah.
I love Oprah.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
We're busy!
- Could you get that? - Yes.
Oh, my Lord! Sally, you better get over here.
It's William. He's back. And I think he's been wounded.
Oh, my God.
- I know. - Poor William.
MRS. KENDOO: I don't think he's going away.
Who's William?
It's Sally's old boyfriend.
She broke up with him a few weeks ago.
Yeah, it just wasrt gonna work.
Every time he smiled, I wanted to hit him in the head with my shoe.
So he's a returning war veteran injured in Iraq?
That's right.
Yep.
Sally, remember what I said
about human interest being the thing that wins American Dreamz?
Hi, William.
Hi, Sally. I'm back.
Brought you some flowers.
Oh, gosh. Thank you, William.
I got injured in Iraq.
Yeah, I can see. I'm so, so sorry.
Well, I just came to say hi, so...
Yeah. But, William,
I'm actually really happy that you're home
and you're back
and you're alive.
(GROANS)
- Sorry, sorry. - No big deal. No big deal.
Listen, I'm so happy to see you, too. I...
- Sally, who's the guy with the video camera? - Nobody. He's just my agent.
Oh, cool.
Keep going. Don't mind me.
This is Linda Garvey reporting live from the White House.
It is his first official state visit since his re-election
and the President is hosting the Premier of China.
Unfortunately, news cameras werert allowed inside for the meeting.
I am terrified of North Korea.
I keep having this nightmare.
That the sirens are going off
and then someone rushes in and tells me that the North Koreans are attacking.
So I run to get my Bible, but I can't find it.
And then the sky goes dark.
Do you ever have nightmares?
Vamp. Improvise.
(SPEAKING CHINESE)
Bye-bye. Sure you don't want to sleep over?
All right. Next time. Bye, now.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Well.
I think that went really well.
He seems like a real nice guy.
Yes, he's very nice.
Very nice, for a communist dictator.
What the hell is going on here, Joe?
I mean, have you had a frigging nervous breakdown?
Uh, no.
"Uh, no" is not a very reassuring answer.
Joe, you remember when we first met?
When I came up to you at that fundraiser for your dad and I said,
"You're gonna make one hell of a President,"
and you said, "You mean my dad is," and I said, "No, pal. You are."
I kind of remember it. I was pretty toasted.
Is that what's happening here? Are you getting toasted again?
- Do you have a bottle hiding somewhere? - No! Of course not.
'Cause I'm there for you.
It's just that
there are some things that kind of seemed pretty black-and-white.
And now they,
kind of, becoming a little grey-seeming.
I'll tell you one thing that isn't grey-seeming.
Your numbers.
The only demo where you have an approval rating above 30%
is with children under the age of five. You know what they're saying out there?
Yeah, I've been reading the papers.
They're saying you've disappeared. They're saying you've gone cuckoo!
Look, Mr President.
We have a lot of important work to do.
We're making democracies and you have to keep your eye on the prize!
First off, no more newspapers.
In fact, no more reading. Back to the regular briefing.
Second off, we're gonna up the dosage on your medicine.
Third off, we're going on a publicity blitz
to show the world that you're still going strong, still have the common touch.
And to start off with, you're gonna be a guest judge on American Dreamz.
- Are you sure that's dignified? - Oh, it will be dignified.
And charming. And populist and on-message.
Because you'll be wearing this.
What is that?
Hey, Omer. Want to go to the mall?
We just went last weekend.
Yeah. Now we're going again.
Why? Did you forget to purchase something?
If you do not mind, I think I will pass on the mall today,
I would like to just stay here and relax.
- Okay. Bye! - Bye.
(MYSTICAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
You're too kind. You're too kind, really. Thank you very much. Thank you.
And now a piece from the classic, Guys and Dolls.
This is really a new low.
- This lqbal guy can't sing. - Neither can the Hasidic guy.
What? The Hasidic guy rules.
Wait! I hear singing. Start the camera. Start the camera.
(SINGING) Luck be a lady tonight
Luck be a lady tonight, pah!
Luck if you've ever been a lady to begin with
Luck be a... tonight
May I help you?
You do not understand. I have no desire to be on a television show.
ITTLES: But you have real talent. OMER: Do you really think so?
But it is a moot point, because it is not I you are looking for.
It is my cousin, lqbal.
I want him. No, I don't want him.
I need him. I love him.
That is it. That's my Arab. Lqbal's out. Omer's in.
Okay. We're working on it.
Now here's a tape that Sally Kendoo's agent sent over.
She's the white-trash girl from Ohio.
Apparently, she has a boyfriend who was injured in the Iraq war,
and this is footage of their reunion.
Now look at this right here.
Did you get that?
Whoa.
Give me that. Give me that. Give me that.
Did you get that?
Dirty bitch.
Oh, my God. It's Martin Tweed!
Martin Tweed, everyone!
(WOMEN GASPING)
ALL: Oh, my God!
Get back. Get back, everyone!
(DOOBELL RINGING)
Mr Tweed.
- Come on in. - Thank you very much.
- Mrs Kendoo? - Oh, yes.
And a lot of other Kendoos.
Can I get you some hot bundt cake or how about a beer?
No, thank you very much. I'm on a strict sashimi diet.
Martin, Chet Krogl. We met at upfronts a couple of years ago.
Right. Yeah, Chet Krogl.
- I don't want to talk to you. - Okay. No problem.
Do you know what? Do you think I might go upstairs and talk to Sally in private?
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
- Cool car. - Thank you very much. Thank you.
Not easy renting a Ferrari in Padookie, Ohio.
I'm surprised that you're here, 'cause I thought
we were supposed to meet for the first time onstage at the show.
Yeah. Normally we would. I never produce these segments.
But I heard Padookie was an exciting town, thought I'd check it out.
- That was a joke. - I'm aware.
You didn't laugh.
It wasrt funny.
No.
But why didn't you laugh just to kiss my ass?
I figure you didn't need me to kiss your ass.
I mean, I'm sure you have people kissing your ass 24 hours a day.
And I guess, like, not kissing your ass is like kissing your ass for most people.
Absolutely right.
It's weird. One can become quite detached from reality when one's famous.
Really.
That sounds so cool.
Yeah, it can be.
So, Sally, I've seen your tapes and I think you're very talented.
- Really? You do? - Well, moderately.
But beyond that...
Beyond that?
I think I like you.
I don't mean romantically, I mean
I think I like you as a human being.
MARTIN: So, have you ever been in a Ferrari before?
SALLY: Yeah, yeah, tons of times.
You know, sometimes I'll be driving my Enzo down Mulholland Drive,
really gunning it. I'll look at the little railing at the side of the road
and the steep drop just beyond that and I'll think,
"Wouldrt it be great just to shoot off the edge of the cliff?"
- Wouldrt that be fun? - Mr Tweed, I...
No, no, no, no, no. Don't call me Mr Tweed. Call me Tweedy.
- Like Tweety Bird, but with a 'd'? - Exactly, yeah.
You know, my mum used to say to me, "Martin, you have no talent.
"No one will ever love you."
Well, look at me now, Mum! Look where no talent will get you!
You jealous, drunk old bitch.
Really, that's great.
But, Tweedy, can you help me win?
Because I would do absolutely anything to win this show.
I'd love to help you, Sally, but there's only so much I can do.
It's down to you. You've got to make the people love you.
- The way that they love you? - Nope. Nobody loves me.
My mum was right about that. But it's fine, I don't care.
I don't want the fake bullshit that passes for love in this world.
Well, you don't have to worry about me, I'm not even sure that I like you.
Wow.
My God, I can't believe I just said that out loud.
I never say stuff like that out loud.
I think you are a rapacious little bitch.
Well, I think you're a self-involved, preening idiot.
Sociopathic, egomaniacal, Madonna wannabe.
No-talent, famous-for-being-famous, third-rate, Regis Philbin clone!
SHAZZY: So, at the mall today, I upgraded my plan to 5,000 minutes,
but it's a family plan.
- Thank you, Auntie. - IQBAL: You should've gotten 10,000.
- Lqbal? - Yeah.
Something very odd happened today. It's funny, really.
You see, these people from the American Dreamz television show came by.
- Yeah? - And...
- And? - And I was using your stage
and they heard me singing and they want me to be on the show.
I'm sorry. Did you say they want you to sing on the show?
Mmm-hmm.
Isn't that amusing?
- Holy crap. - NAZNEEN: Shazzy.
- Congratulations, Omer! - Thank you.
"Congratulations, Omer!" That's what you have to say!
"Congratulations, Omer!"
Do you know how hard I have worked to get on this show?
You've stolen my dream!
I'm so sorry. I told them. I told them they had made a mistake.
But do not worry.
I will simply refuse to be on the television show. Yes?
Yes, and then they must take you instead.
They don't want me.
Nobody wants me!
Nonsense, sweetheart. We all love you.
Is that going to make me famous? I don't think so.
MARTIN: (ON TV) Next week, the exciting premiere episode of American Dreamz.
Which of these hopefuls will live the next American dream?
Wait. Rewind the TiVo.
Pause it.
- Hello. - Hello, Mrs Riza.
- Is Omer at home, please? - Yes, he is.
Who shall I say is asking for him?
Just some friends.
NAZNEEN: Come in, please.
- Sun block, anyone? - Yes. Thank you, Auntie.
NAZNEEN: Sure.
Now, I am going to bring you boys a little treat.
Thank you.
Very cushy situation you have here.
- No pool? - No. No, just the Jacuzzi.
The Western Command has learned of you being chosen to sing and dance
on a hedonistic television show aptly named American Dreamz.
Wow. You guys heard about that?
OMER: It's all a big mistake, you see.
They got me mixed up with my cousin.
Because I would never engage in such a frivolous activity.
In fact, I'm going to tell them I will not be on the show.
You are to do no such thing.
You are to perform on the show.
And you must get to the championship round,
because judging the championship round
will be none other than the President of the United States of America.
The President?
When you are onstage with the President, you will have smuggled in an explosive belt.
And you are to martyr yourself.
Killing, in the process, the head of the serpent.
What if I don't make it to the final round?
Omer, folks don't call me "The Torturer"
because I don't like to torture people.
You know what I mean?
Now, who would like to try some grapefruit sorbet?
In a busy political week capped by a marked increase in his approval ratings,
the President has stepped back into the public eye in a string of high-profile events.
REPORTER: (ON TV) Earlier this week, he hosted the Ukrainian President,
lifted weights with the head of the Organisation of African States,
spent some time with his dog, Henry,
and chatted with Carmen Electra at a black-tie event.
- Thank you. - You come back now, all right?
- Okay. Nice meeting you. - Okay.
After weeks of seclusion, suddenly the President is everywhere.
Even signing on to guest judge
the finale of the top-rated television show, American Dreamz.
You hear that? We're back.
All right. Now hold still.
It tickles.
You want to wear this thing all night? Then sit still.
This thing is incredible. Great reception.
I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier.
Hell of a week, sir! You really got back on message.
That's because you're telling me what the message is.
Exactly.
I just love that Carmen Electra. Thanks.
I would have never had the courage to go up
and talk to her by myself, face to face.
Engaging girl.
Good night, Mr President.
(DOOR CLOSING)
One and two. Three and four.
Five...
Hey.
What are you doing?
Nothing. Nothing. I'm just rehearsing some dance steps.
Oh.
Look, lqbal.
- I am so sorry... - Stop.
I don't want your pity. Does it look like I need pity?
No, no, no. You have far too much dignity.
If these people know nothing about talent, there's not much I can do about it, is there?
So let's see it. Let's see your dance steps.
All right.
One and two. Three and four.
What?
Oh, there's no way you're gonna win this thing.
I know. I fear as much.
IQBAL: Get up there. Up on the stage.
Are you sure?
Do it. Before I change my mind.
Okay. Now this is just the bass track. It's good to practice moves to.
- I don't like this kind of music. - It's just a bass track. It's just for rehearsal!
Okay.
Now, one problem you have is you move like a re-animated corpse in a zombie movie.
Not good.
You need to loosen up.
Okay. Come on, let's go.
Free-form jazz dancing, right now, immediately.
Lqbal, why are you helping me?
I destroyed your dream.
Yeah.
You did.
But that was yesterday.
Today, I've turned a page on a new chapter in my life.
I'm not sure being a performer was ever what I was really meant for.
I'm more of a behind-the-scenes player. A puppeteer.
A Svengali, if you will.
As of today,
I'm your manager.
This is Martin Tweed, and I am in the small town of Padookie, Ohio.
Our first dream starts right here,
where local chanteuse Sally Kendoo hopes her dream comes true.
(SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
It was always Sally's idea to perform, not mine.
I mean, she's been wanting to do this since she was six months old.
Sing!
She did it before. She's just shy. Come on, honey. Sing!
MARTIN: The last remaining business on Main Street
is Harry's Hangdown Bar and Grill
where Sally works as a part-time waitress.
The Hangdown is a home away from home
for the largely unemployed male population of Padookie.
(ALL CHEERING)
MAN: Come on! Yeah!
MARTIN: Sally's high-school sweetheart is a decorated war veteran,
a real American hero.
And halfway across America, hailing from halfway around the world,
Omer Obeidi lives with his cousins, the Riza Family.
A refugee from the mayhem of the Middle East.
I cannot believe my good fortune to be competing on the show.
This is truly an American dream come true.
(WHISPERING) Now.
Now.
America, you will be Omerised.